Shameless & Spontaneous.

FXN Expo 2012

2012-01-28T22:12:00.000+08:00

Call me a loser for not winning anything.. even minor awards.. but hell, I had fun and it was an awesome experience!

I felt so flattered that my classmates had chosen me to represent our section in the Fashion Expo 2012, a pageant exclusively for Communication and Broadcast Journalism students..
Such a privilege to walk on stage wearing a good pair of clothes designed by your own classmate last Friday, January 27..

My partner, Maverick and I.. Our theme was "Earth" so my character was a goddess and Mav as if the King of the Jungle..

With our designer, ate Mela.. <3

I'm so thankful for my classmates for the trust, love and support they had given me.. I love you, friends!

Despite of everything.. I can say that.. I have no regrets, I did my best. :)

Life is full of surPRIZES..

2011-12-03T23:13:00.000+08:00

It was supposed to be an ordinary holiday for us; not until my lola went in our house while mom & I were having breakfast telling us that she wants to go to Glorietta to buy appliances.
That very moment, we rushed on our food, invited my aunts if they wanted to come, fixed up & flew to Makati.

Mom bought appliances and home decors as well while my sister and I simply roamed around, eat and window-shopped.

Big deal is, I didn't expect that when I entered MAC makeup store in Rustan's & wore a pink lipstick, mom would told me that I should but. And she did bought me one. :)
Secondly, she bought me her promised gift - an Ipod Touch.

So, say hello to my new babies now. :)
I know mom gave me these stuff because I've earned very good grades last semester & maybe I deserve a prize & another motivation.

My mom is just so thoughtful that she always wants to make us feel that our efforts were always appreciated. And yeah, it made me wanna strive more. x

Thanks, Mom! xo

Consequences.

2011-10-20T21:58:00.000+08:00

I'm off to a 3-day out of town workshop with my band/organization in school tomorrow..
Now, what?

My luggage is all-set..
There's still a lot of space left but I can't even put there my excitement cause I can't feel anything.
I remember 7 months ago, I blogged about how these people make me feel good.. those were the good times.. I needed them. I was happy with them.

I know. I'm as nasty as a bitch. I don't know how to treasure 'friends'. Maybe because I don't treat them like one. Its just that I don't like what they do; I can't relate to them; I dislike what they seem to want.

Leave them; that's what I think about most of the time.
What forces me to stay? The benefits that I get from the group.
So, yea. I need to stay so I can still help my mom.

Damn you, life. Why do you have to be this tricky?

F

2011-10-18T15:01:00.000+08:00

I freakin' hate myself for expecting that I'll make my family proud because I'll be part of the Dean's list.

But I DIDN'T MAKE IT. I just receive my lowest grade which ruined my expectations.

I hate it that my best is never enough.

I always get only the taste of fulfillment but not fulfillment itself.
I hate myself. I hate my capacities. I hate that my best is until here only. I hate that I can't be as good as them.

I thought I could. I thought I will. But I failed again.
F*ck my life. I always fail.

asankhugyftgbhjk;lkjhgfdcvjklkgfdfc

2011-10-17T10:00:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling like ~~CRAP~~.

Hey, strong me, where the hell did you go?

Now I feel depressed, alone & loathsome.

I know. Moments like this one really comes. All you want to do is to stay indoors, reflect, scream your heart out & let your room notice how you shed those unwanted tears & feel better.
Sadly, I just can't cry. It seems like there's no more water for me to shed.

Or maybe yes, I feel like crap because I can't feel anything.

Hell, I don't make sense.

PAIN

2011-09-25T23:12:00.000+08:00

Everyone tends to under-estimate me.. and it's terribly hurting me already.

My best has never been good enough for people and apparently, I'm losing motivation to keep on moving forward.
Seems like nobody appreciates what I do but myself.

You guys are unbelievably insensitive.

If only I didn't lose my best friend, i won't feel like this.. But I need to move on.

Just give me a moment to recover.. I still haven't moved on.

I hate hurting you but I love myself.

2011-09-20T09:22:00.000+08:00

Mind you, I'm stronger now.
I don't mind them anymore.

I trust only one person today cause he's proven enough. Hence I still hate him; for being so submissive.
I hate that he does what I say.
I hate that he's like superman, literally. He comes when I need someone right-away; regardless of the time, where he is or what he does.
He's giving 3/4 of his life to me while I'm here, sitting pretty, thinking all about myself.

Hell, yes. I don't freakin' care what they say about me anymore. What I mind now is all about myself.
I may not be the one who always get hurt anymore; But sadly, I've been the selfish I-don't-care-about-you-all.

I know I always hurt him and I'm hating & loving myself for that.

Seriously, is this life? You become stronger and you hurt others. You remain weak and you'll be treated like a sick child ready to cry any time of the day.

If this really is life, then please teach me how to live right.

You, bragger.

2011-07-31T21:41:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had a friend which sees him/herself as someone so good and perfect?

Seriously, I'm freakin' pissed.
You watch what I say and one wrong word, I'm doomed.
Hell, you ain't even half way perfection.

I assume you're not insecure with me.
You just love and trust yourself so much that you offend others mindlessly.
I tell you, you should buy humility.

Motherly Care.

2011-07-14T21:39:00.000+08:00

Hey. I just recovered from a flu. (yup, colds, cough & fever)
Although I still have cough & colds, I'm feeling so much better.

Because I'm a person who rarely gets sick, I really look up to days where I'd get sick.
I feel extra special whenever I'm weaker more than anybody else.
Mom took care of me. She cooked for me, gave me a massage, she sent and fetched from school and she even slept beside me.
Since I'm the eldest, mom & I rarely cuddle and say sweetnothings with each other. It has always been her and my sister; Sheng is the baby. For mom & I, that's sort of awkward.

But of course, like everybody else, I just wanna experience this randomly and as less as possible. When I'm sick I feel very weak physically and mentally that I can't perform well in class. (Yes, I still attend classes because I don't wanna miss anything)

I know I've paid for all the care I've received because of those little sufferings I felt. Nevertheless, for the sake of that caressing feeling that mom had given me, I think I can accept manageable sickness every month.

What if......

2011-07-03T21:30:00.001+08:00

This song made my heart pump extremely fast..

Kung Maibabalik ko Lang by Letter days ft. Yeng Constantino

Hindi ako mapakali
Ano ba to'ng
Tumatakbo sa isip
Nariyan ka pa ba?
Ako ba ay muli mong iniwan?

Umaagos ang luha
Punong puno ng dusa
Pagibig na wagas
Nagkaroon ng wakas

Kung maibabalik ko lang
Ang oras na ikaw ay kapiling
Nakayakap sa akin
Kung maibabalik ko lang
Ang lahat ng nangyari
Siguro ay tayo pa rin

Tila ako ay umasa
Na ikaw ang aking tadhana
Pagibig na wagas
Nagkaroon ng wakas

Kung maibabalik ko lang
Ang oras na ikaw ay kapiling
Nakayakap sa akin
Kung maibabalik ko lang
Ang lahat ng nangyari
Siguro ay tayo pa rin

Alaala ng kahapon
Di na maulit ngayon
Kung pwede lang sana
Ibalik ang nakaraan
Siguro ay tayo pa rin
Siguro ay tayo pa rin

Sure I don't regret anything. Hence, looking back, I can't stop thinking of what ifs..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF1fs2s7wPA

Drained like raisin

2011-07-03T01:14:00.000+08:00

I'm damn freakin' exhausted, disappointed & ready to give up.
Where the hell did optimism in my life go nowadays?

If only I could build my own time machine..
Ugh; Yes, I'm having the hardest time moving on..

~~I QUIT.~~

I miss you today

2011-06-26T15:25:00.000+08:00

I guess I'm missin' someone really hard..

I've been waiting for a message/call from this certain person for some time now but is seems like that person forgot about me already.
Sad, yes. It's breaking my heart.

I don't know but I wanna talk to you & I hope you wanna read a message from me too.
I'm feeling nostalgic today. I remember those boring days we used to spend together by eating & exchange of thoughts.
I wanna cry on your shoulder once more. I wanna be with you AGAIN.
It's just a much boring day for me & I've got no one to turn to. How I wish you're here with me.
However I don't wanna enter your life at this moment coz I know you're happier now & have no time to deal with negativity of life.

I just really miss you although I can't tell you that I do.

I'm looking forward to that day.. that day where we could talk, laugh, eat, play, fight & catch up together again.

It's another uninspiring day

2011-06-20T16:02:00.000+08:00

I just cried for no specific reason. I feel so stressed today after a very tiring gym & shopping session yesterday with the family.

I swear I don't know where does this emotional stress I'm feeling came from. I kept on searching the web on ways to optimism but I just can't do them today.
I was suppose to sleep but I felt like I'll be very unproductive if I will; I thought of watching a movie but I can't find what specific movie to watch; I ended up writing my heart out here.

Today is one of those gloomy days that I feel like a crap.
I feel alone and sad. I feel empty and ready to be trashed.

Anybody out there could at least make me feel special? Could you push my mind to think positively?
Will you please tell me I'm beautiful & I'm inspiring too?
I need comfort today.

Anyone, please? :(

Filipinos are concerned by nature..

2011-06-19T01:41:00.000+08:00

A lot of people discriminates Filipinos because of the economy, progress, crimes, corruption & all negative stuff but I think what other countries don't see is the values that most of us still have these days..

I was on my way to school yesterday, riding on a jeepney, when a man rode and of course, paid the driver. He gave 10 pesos and the driver changed him 2 pesos since an ordinary, less than 1km ride, costs 8 pesos. When the man received the change, he returned it to the driver and said, "Dun ako sa may Petron, 10 pesos hanggang dun. Wala na akong sukli dapat." So, it made me glad. He has the virtue of honesty plus the fact that sumabit lang siya because the jeep was already full when he rode.
The same day, when I was on my way home, another man returned the change of 5 pesos given to him by the driver.

See? It just made me so proud that Filipinos like me are still concerned for one another. They know that the driver deserves every cent he earns. They've been fair enough.
For some people, this may be an ordinary thing but not for me. This just means that there are still Filipinos who are morally upright and still are concerned for others.
This is a call for everyone to help each other to level up. Honesty and support for one another is the key for a fair & better future.

I believe it's never too late. We just have to practice the values that we have so that we could see our progress even little by little.

Optimisim = Better everything

2011-06-09T10:46:00.001+08:00

I'm just so glad today because my grades for summer term were already encoded in our online portal..
Joyous thing is, I got 4.00 (the highest grade in La Salle) in my Philosophy of Man subject..
Yeah, maybe it's no big deal for all of you but I just really took Philosophy seriously and being able to see the results of my mind-wrecking realizations & thoughts caused by the subject is beyond overwhelming..

So as you know, as for our project, our professor asked us to write our own philosophy in life and mine goes like this:

On the first hand, I never thought I could reach this point in my life wherein I could be happy in a way that I can now laugh and open up to my family, relate with friends and appreciate myself. I understand life much better now. Everything is clear to me that every good relationship starts with cutting all the negativity by counting your own blessings and attracting positive things; wherein you can avoid comparison, insecurity and envy.
All my confusion and hang-ups in life started when I turned 10. I just entered 5th grade and my mom enrolled me in a music school where I had voice and stage performance lessons. My relatives coined me as the singer in the family because I already sing right in tune even when I was as young as 3 years old. I thought I’m that good too. However, all the negative thoughts came when I’ve seen students and performers like me perform on stage. A lot of them were very good. They could reach all the notes without giving much effort while I almost kill myself in practice just to hit those high notes. I’m confident at first though. I thought ‘practice makes perfect’ and so I just need to practice harder and I did. Until that day arrived; my first recital in Trader’s hotel, where my relatives came to watch for my performance. I was very nervous back then. I repeatedly sang my high notes back stage to make sure I would hit them. During my solo performance, I croaked. That was the first time that I felt so embarrassed. I wanted to cry and run away from the stage but I held my tears for the sake of professionalism. After the event, my relatives praised me for being such a good dancer. I didn’t know if I should take it as a compliment because yes, we have all-cast dance production number but most of my performances are singing. Even though I wasn’t able to sing my piece well, I thought that they should have acknowledged my solo performance.
Because of that day, I started envying my vocal classmates. I didn’t know why I always fail to give justice to my performances when I’m already up there on stage. I even had a minor concert with my group called ’Basix’ (we’re six in the group) wherein most of my songs are fast songs because my coach noticed that I’m not doing well in slow and emotive songs. They didn’t know how insecure I’ve been with my friends. That was also the reason why whenever my relatives would ask me to sing during occasions, I always refuse and tell them that I am not feeling well or so. Of course, my mom would get mad at me. She said she’s sent me to a music center and I’m just wasting her money. A lot of moments like that came in my life. When it was already my 3rd year in the music center, my mom decided to stop my singing lessons because she said that they couldn’t see any improvement from me. I felt very inferior that time. I easily get jelous with people on my age who were seemed so loved by their parents. It was also the start that I had a gap with my family and relatives. I became so quiet. My cousins thought that I was a snob because I was trying to keep myself away from them as possible. I was ashamed of myself then and not what they think about me. My family saw me as the black sheep. Sometimes I didn’t even want to go home. My mom sees every little thing I do. I know I’m misunderstood. It even made me so inferior among others because I never did try to defend myself from all the negative accusations they gave me.
I just wanted to be with my friends because of that. I only had 3 real friends though. I was not the friendly type because I’ve been afraid people would also see my imperfections and coin me as a weakling. I’ve been good in school. I am a consistent honor student from kindergarten to high school. Everyone in school saw me as a very good and blessed one. I excel in almost all extra-curricular activities. That made me a very competitive person. I hated seeing my classmates superior than me. I wanted to be the best in everything. I wanted to be the best in other people’s eyes since it seems that I couldn’t be the best for my family.
I was not happy then. I always feel envious whenever I see successful people. I wanted more and more. I was never contented with myself. Then I came to college wherein I met a lot of people which also made me feel such a weakling. They seem so good. There were friendly, beautiful, a lot were smarter, better in dancing and wealthier. I feel insecure most of the time. It came to a point where I almost blame my dad for leaving us that’s why we’re having an average life. I wanted to be able to get everything and show it to the world so they could envy me. Yes, I’ve been so selfish.
My views in life have changed when I was accepted in the university’s band, Lasallian Pop Band, where I auditioned as a vocalist. It was an achievement for me. For the first time, I’ve been proud of myself. When my mom knew it, she even told our relatives with my achievement. I saw how I made her happy that finally, I tried to show my talent without hesitations. In fact, that was also the first time where I got to sing songs with high notes where I never failed. Maybe I did it not because of my practice but because I tried my very hard to believe in myself for once. I avoided all the negativity and just did what I needed to do. I never stop thinking that I will be part of the band and I will be able to perform with them one of these days. So I was able to be a member of the band and everything followed. My classmates were able to watch some of my performances and I am very grateful that all I got were compliments. It made me a better person because now I’m just doing what I need to accomplish and be the best that I can be without comparing myself from others. I just enjoy and do it. If I fail, they I would try harder the next time around.
Obviously, my positive thoughts lead me to where I am now. I may not be a perfect singer but I enjoy singing that’s why I’m still here. Whenever there are people who say my co-vocalist is better than me, I just smile and don’t really mind what they say. I learned that we have different perceptions in life that’s why we see things differently. Anyway, I should be thankful that there are still people who tell me my weaknesses for me to be able to improve more and grow as an individual. I also noticed that my mom, my sister and I we’re now as tight as we’ve never been before. I now get to open up and share my thoughts with them. I also noticed that for last 11 months, my mom and I have never been in a serious fight. Maybe because I can appreciate her more today more than ever that’s why everything seemed so right now. There were still times when I can’t understand my mom that much but at the end of the day, I would end up understanding her not because she is right but because she is my mother and I love her. I can say by being an optimist, I have established a great foundation of some virtues with myself which includes respect, humility, generosity, cheerfulness and being happy.
So I have come up with things that helped me become a better person and would lead you to a peaceful and worth living life:

Counting one’s blessings
Most of us try to base what we want in life from what others have. We should stop digging and observing other people’s life because we have our own. Being grateful for what you have today will also keep you grounded. It will also help us strive to have better things by working hard. Being envious won’t do you any good. Comparisons will lead to depression, self-inferiority and hatred. We should always think that you we blessed for simply being a normal person for example. There are a lot of people with disability but they are still happy; so there will be no reason for us to be not happy. Appreciating first oneself before aiming for more is a good way. Anyway, when you learn to start appreciating the domain, which is yourself, in the long run, people will also learn to acknowledge you.

Thinking positive things
Being positive is not just about smiling but avoiding negative thoughts. Counting one’s blessings is one way of being positive but being positive totally is more than that. Positivity is seeing everything as good even if it is not as good as you think it is. It may be hard to see everything as perfect but it is positivity.
Optimism is the way to being a positive person. We may have problems but an optimist will see it as a way of being a better person and is part of learning rather than something to be stressed about. Being optimistic will help us avoid having fights with someone and will also help us see our imperfections as things that make us close to perfection. Positivity will lead to peace and a great feeling from within which blooms a person that can be called happiness.

Living with one’s own expectations
We should stop trying to please everyone because no one can in any way. We should not do what they tell us to do unless we also enjoy that and you, yourself, will be happy doing that. When a person fails on pleasing others frustrations will come and will lead him/her to comparing himself from successful people in that field. People should follow their hearts on what they really want without thinking what will others say and think. If they think you will have a better future in that certain field, well it is up to you. Money could never buy happiness.

Law of attraction for success
A person can be successful by attracting positive things and acting upon it. I learned that the law of attraction is thinking what you want to become so you will be inspired act upon it. A person also needs to get some pictures of what he/she wants to have or become so that the person can live by them every day.
Success is a part of life just like happiness. Some people like me become happy when they see themselves grow and achieve what they want to have or become in any way. So by attracting and thinking what you want to become positively, you will have it soon. As for me, I thought of being in a band when I was in high school. When I auditioned for Lasallian Pop Band, I never let negativity come my way. All I thought is that I can do it and I will be part of the band. And I did it. I am practicing this way of thinking and I know I’m getting good results. Sometimes, we people expect too much that when we didn’t get what we want or what we expected to have, we will be depressed. However, if we will just think over and over of it and enjoy while waiting for the right time, it will come without us even noticing.

Let people think what they want to think
Just let them. If they see you as the bad one, then it’s okay. As long as you’re doing great and you don’t harm others intentionally, it doesn’t really matter. People should continue on what they believe in and never stop doing what they love doing, keep on attracting positive thoughts and be happy. People must not let barriers control their view of success because it won’t do them any good.

Everyone is great
Looking on the positive sides of the person will lead us to learning more how to appreciate others and avoid the negativity. We should see everyone as different from everybody else which makes him/her more special. Everyone is special in his/her own way. I believe people can be more peaceful and will be a great nation when they stop stabbing one another on the back and just appreciate. Let us be happy for one another by letting them be happy in their own. Let us stop crab mentality.
As for the one whom we will marry, we need to make sure to accept all the differences and still support one another by letting our partner do what he/she wants to do. We must learn to be contented with what he/she has. People must let their partners be happy so that they, themselves will be happy as well.

Hold on to your faith
As they say, religion won’t save us; it is faith and our actions. It doesn’t matter what your religion is. We just have to do what we think is good. Morality comes after happiness because when you’re happy you can only see positive things which also involve good acts. So, one should establish a good relationship with God so he/she can also see and feel good things coming his/her way. Once you have built up strong faith, no matter how people deceive you, you will still hold on to your faith and you can’t be deceived.

Everyone can live a peaceful, meaningful and happy life when they chose to have it. As for me, I have changed my mind-setting from being negative to thinking more positive thoughts and ideas. Everything is a matter of attracting the positive thoughts for you to come up with a good feeling within and soon have better outcomes. Being an optimist will also help people to expect less and enjoy more. You’re attracting and living with positivity and you’ll never notice that you’re already achieving things because you’ve never been too hard on yourself, you’re living a happy life and problems just come and go. An optimist will always shine on his own way because of the good things and better feeling that he can share to others. I’m glad that I’m now and optimist. I became a better everything – daughter, sister, friend, student, performer, follower and individual. My philosophy in life, I know, will lead me to places someday with flying colors and a good heart.

Baguio-venture!

2011-06-04T18:31:00.000+08:00

This was the best trip I had in Baguio not because this was the first time we went there that it didn't rain but because I know my mom, my sister & I can't enjoy that much with others.
It's only the three of us plus my mom's best friend & my tita who's the care taker of the rest house in Baguio..

1st day:

My sister & I did horse-back riding for 1 hour & we really enjoyed it!
My horse is Brave Star & Sheng's horse is Panday.
Trivia: one of my greatest dreams since I was 12 is to be an equestrian! <3

After bonding with the horses, we went to Treetop Adventure to experience their prepared & most-talked about activities! And here it goes:

Zip Line! I screamed so loud here! hahaha.

Silver Surfer! This is fun! :)

Canyon Ride.. this ride is kinda slow. we transferred from one station to another.

After the adventure, we're all starving so we ate at the Manor House & they really served super yummy food:

Appetizer: Asian Beef Salad
I like it but it's kinda spicy.. It's a healthy choice though..

Main dish: Fish fillet in pasta & cream sauce. Oh how I love this! <3

Dessert: Fruit Cake in Macadamia Nuts. <3This is just so yummy that I had 3 slices! :)After eating, we went to PMA hoping that Alexander ( Coco Martin in Minsan Lang Kita Iibigin) is there shooting. Haha. :p

Day 2:

It's shopping day but upon waking up early, we leave for Strawberry farm..

This is @ Good Shepherd, the place for perfect Baguio Jams!

Mines View Park where we bought most of our pasalubong :)

SM Baguio. :p

Razon's Halo-halo in SM Baguio.. Haha. Suuuper cold! I tell you! We're insane! :))

Day 3:

After having lunch at Mann Hann, SM and meeting with our family friends, we had this picture:

Bus Station. Bye, Baguio! See you next vacation! :)

Baguio's weather never failed to put my mind in relaxation & stress-free mode..
I want to go back there again & again.. :)
Unlike the past years, we didn't travel using air this time..
However, the fun is just the same with this trip; or even more enjoying than other trips we had.
This is also good because I know my mom has been working too much..
I just love enjoying the world's pleasures with my loves, my family.
So guys, I advise all of you to take a break, travel and live on! <3

It's Pat's 18th birthday.. (no, not mine, it's hers)

2011-05-30T21:47:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday, May 28, 2011 was my friend, blockmate & tukayo, Patricia Camille's 18th birthday.

I've attended a lot of debut parties but her debut was the most fun debut I've been to maybe because I've met a lot of people and some of my blockmates & I slept over the venue.

Since we came there around 6pm and the program was about to start at 7, we have taken lots pf photos; as if we all dressed up for a photo shoot. Haha.
However, the program proper already started around 9pm which gave us even more time to spend our time playing & posing for the sake of memories.

So here are the pics we had: (credits to Janine Urquico)

this photo was taken before fixing ourselves for the event.. it was inside our room..

with my blocmates <3

with Kareena

with Janine

with Liezl..

with the girls <3

Haha. This is funny! Everyone tripped on me & Arth.. They said our attires match each other. Everyone said I look like bitchy because of the hair.. So Arth & I played around for the sake of not being kill joy. >:))

Before the memory of Janine's camera get full, the party started.
Everyone was stunned when Pat, the debutant, came out. She's blooming & very elegant looking.

I told you, she's beautiful & I love her gown! haha :)

So this was us, settled on our seats

Btw, I sang 2 songs for the party.. I actually had sore gums that day but since I love Pat, I sang for her "yo got it all" & "telephone". :)
It was also good that everything turned out well despite the fact that I don't really memorize the telephone because they let me sang that impromptu. :)

The celebrant with us. :)

This photo was so cool because all the teens in the party were gathered for the pictorial. FUN!

I don't used to upload or blog about parties or other people's parties but since I really had fun with Pat's debut, so I did blog.
Such an amazing party for a super girl! More power, Pat! :) Happy Birthday again!

Go out and be educated.

2011-05-23T23:53:00.000+08:00

So, yeah. Since I am learning a lot from my Philosophy of Man class, (take note, present tense because I'm continue learning day by day) I have something very certain to share.

My professor said early this morning: "Exposure is education."
I'm so caught by this statement for unwanted reason. Maybe because I've reflected that I became a better person since I entered college.
Not because I am pseudo-free now from all the stereotyping judgement that I have continued receiving before but rather because I became more exposed to life's realities.
As you all know, I am the person who used to keep my self away from people because of fear of failure.
Now it's more clear than ever; I became mature and open because I got to know different types of people and I got to go to places I've never been before.
I saw a lot from getting out of my comfort zone. I have witnessed people lose their selves because of alcohol; but good thing about me is that I've managed to keep my healthy lifestyle to not indulge in such alcoholic drinks.
I've seen what would happen if people won't take their studies seriously; they would end up struggling for good life. There were also people who lives only for money that they become so greedy and they lost happiness.
I even saw how a person struggled losing weight because of self-pity and fear of rejection who ended up gaining even more weight.

On the positive side, I've seen how a person reached success out of dedication and repeated practice. I became inspired by someone who was a repeater during his high school years but graduated Cum Laude in college out of focus and hard work.

In a span of one year, I've been exposed to different events which are not normal to me. For others, it's an ordinary thing but since I've been kept in safe zone with my family - which is are morally upright people - I don't really understand everything my mom was trying to tell me before.

I can say now, although not as a whole, I understand. My eyes are wide open with life's unjust justice for the good ones and the consequences for those who didn't do it right.

Maybe my professor is correct. Being exposed to the world educates us simple because we need no more explanations. I have witnessed certain things myself and so I have the choice now either to do them or not.
I just don't know at where this being exposed of mine will being me but only thing I know now is that I just started learning and knowing.

Now I'm learning.

2011-05-14T16:40:00.003+08:00

It's not about being one-sided for such a subject called Philosophy; it's called realization. Yes, I'm starting to wonder and now I'm reasoning out.

Upon studying about the subject for about 3 weeks, I admit, I learned a lot.
Seriously, there's a lot of realizations and doubts about life's realities my professor has given me.
However, there's this one thing that I think changed some of my views as a person.
Before, I've always wanted to be the best for people around me. I wanted to please them although most of the time, I fail. That's when I started to come up with insecurities.
I hated seeing people close to perfection. I did lots of comparisons. I became so depressed that I hated myself eventually.
I started to stay away from people and feel misunderstood. I only lived with my self and my best friend. Because of this, they started to judge me. As if I'm the black sheep in the family and so on.
Nevertheless, I neglected all those negativities. I'd rather have a bad reputation as long as I know I'm not that type they're claiming me to be.
I became too faithful to others that I became so unfair to myself.
I've been self deprived of doing the things I enjoy most that's why at the end of the day, I'd end up confused, empty and messed up.

Now my eyes are wide open. As Aristotle said: "Happiness is the ultimate good." Happiness is the solution to everything. It is beyond contentment. When a person is happy, s/he can never harm people because happy people only do good. We could avoid comparison and bad intension.

It sounds so good right? So serene, fulfilling and I know that's everybody's wish.
The way to happiness? It's self-realization.
My professor said, when you become happy, you become a well-being and you can be called AWESOME!

So, as so you know. These past few days, I'm in search for my happiness.
And guess what? I found them.
I enjoy eating. I like listening to different people's life stories. I feel freshened up whenever I write, blog and speak up.
I'd love to meditate. I love being and feeling beautiful.
I feel sexy when I dance.
It completes my day whenever I see people I love happy.
I love learning and imparting knowledge. I enjoy the virtue of charity.

Yeah, you might be intrigued why I didn't typed anything about singing up there.
I just realized that I'm quite good in performing but that's not my life.
Most of the time I wonder why they're all so good and I'm not.
I got the answer just now - I've been so pushed to singing that I don't want it anymore.
Singing is my past time. I like singing for social purposes. Everybody sings and so I will.
Maybe I could hit the right notes but it's not what I am so happy doing.
However, it doesn't mean that I'll stop here. I'm just saying that randomly, I discovered that it wasn't my passion at all. And so, If I would take things about this career too seriously, I'd end up hurting myself.

As of now, as for a 17-year old teenager like me, I'm still dreaming to be that successful person someday. Besides, who doesn't? The only difference is that now, I know what to pursue and where to keep my heart and how to follow the track.
Someday, I'd be that someone. Someone that people don't expect me to be. Someone so inspiring, morally upright, successful and HAPPIER as anybody else.

My mom is nothing but the best!

2011-05-08T18:48:00.000+08:00

My mom may not be the best but she is.
Name a cool, very supportive, smart, silly, tough and an all around person, that's my mom.

Her name is Nimfa Lara Hisugan.

She is a single parent but she's strong enough to handle things. She and my dad separated a long time ago but she never regret it. She has managed to take care of me and my sister and raise us well despite her work though.

I remember our sweet fights and little arguments; despite them all, I still love her and I know she's the same to us. My mom & I were not verbal for our affection for each other but we could feel it in many ways - shopping, eating out, morning conversations, exchange of dreams, etc. I know she's the only person who would sure beat up anyone who would hurt me terribly.

I love her. She's my best friend, my shopping gal, my idol, my mentor and my mom & dad at the same time.
Happy mother's day, mom! :) You're the BEST!

Fun under the sun.

2011-05-08T15:25:00.000+08:00

I've been out the whole day yesterday with my family in the Beach @ Munting Buhangin, Beach Camp, Nasugbu Batangas.

I could say it yesterday was one of the most memorable days of my life with my family. Yes, we've been to such different beautiful places but this one is sort of different. Maybe because it's the fist time that we went to the beach complete. Most of the time it's just me, my mom and sis with certain people who travels from different tourist spots here in the country. Even if Batangas is just near Cavite, I couldn't rate the happiness I felt.

So, when we arrived, since we left home around 5:30am and arrived there at 8:00, we had our breakfast first. There were lots of good food cooked by my titas & titos, my granny, my mom & our cook, Manag Elma. :) Upon eating, we started changing clothes and wearing our swimsuits as preparation for the fun under the sun.

Because it's already 12:00, the sun is straight up so we've decided to eat lunch first.
After eating, my sis, our beki friend and I decided have henna tatto. And here's what we got:

Mine is a butterfly and my sister's is a flower. I dunno what to call that design our beki friend chose to put on her back but that's it. HAHA.

We also rode Banana boat which added more FUN! Yay! :)

After taking lots of pictures, my beki friend, my uncle, my sis and I played beach volley. That made us very exhausted and decided to take the shower and start packing this up.
So, we headed back home around 6pm.

In fact, that was supposed to be an overnight outing but the rooms we're fully booked so we have no choice but go home. Nevertheless, it was great being with them the whole day and we're all tanned. lol. I have perfect tan lines. HAHA. <3

Because she's bored.

2011-05-02T12:04:00.000+08:00

Because my friend Janine slept over here in my crib and we've got nothing to do, she painted my face and styled my hair.
I could say she'll be a good stylist someday. HAHA. See it for yourself.

It's my day today.

2011-04-26T22:51:00.001+08:00

I just turned 17.
Today is my birthday and I had a great day.
I celebrated half of my day with 2 of my girls. It's kinda sad because the other 2 weren't able to be with us on my birthday.

We celebrated @ Festival, Alabang..
We ate @ Teriyaki Boy for lunch.

We roamed around, bought some stuff and had merienda @ country style.

After eating, they went home and I was left alone in the mall. I texted my mom and asked her to follow me there. When she arrived, we bought some food and brought it at home for my aunts are there and here's what we got:

So, yup. That's how my 17th birthday celebration ended. I'm so glad that I got to spend one of the most important days in my life with my beloved people.
I wish to be better in class, in performing and a better daughter to my mom and ate to my sister. I also wish for happiness, more patience, strength, good health and peace.
Of course, the best gift that I'd love to have is some inches added to my height. hahaha. Even an inch is a must. HAHAHA. -Live on. :)

Blessed I am.

2011-04-23T02:36:00.000+08:00

Here's another blessing from God: I've maintained my good grades although I've been very busy the previous sem with my band.

God is the best. I thought my grades would suffer because of stress, pressure plus the negativities but it remained the same.
Now I know I really need to study harder to attain higher grades and make my family even more proud.

Haaaay. This holy week, I really realized how blessed I am for everything.
I may not be a class A person, but I know my mom secured us.
I may not be as pretty angelic as other girls but I'm stunning in my own way.
I may not be the best in everything but I have talents where I excel among others.
I may not be the topnotcher all the time but I've always been within the top 3.
I may not have a complete family yet we're happy and contented.

I have a very balanced life. Not the best. Not too bad either.
I have a lot of imperfections. I appreciate them though.
I believe if not for my worse days I wouldn't be as tough as I am today and still getting tougher.
Thank you, Lord. My life is already a gift. I know I'm not worthy to have these things in my life but still you have given them with no hesitations. I really am very grateful.

Passion or Potential?

2011-04-19T13:32:00.000+08:00

They say that you need to look for your passion & potential for you to improve it and reach the top.

I was planning out what to do the whole day to keep my day productive when a question came out of my mind: What if your potential is not your passion? What if you aren't good in the thing you love to do? You won't succeed in anyway?
I'm confused.

So as many people tell me, I'm quite good in singing.
To be honest? I love being on stage and be seen by people but not really because of singing.
I like to perform, yes. I like to dance and just be up there.
That's the reason why I don't choose belting songs because most of the time, when it's really my time to shine up there, I croak. I fail. I like to sing and dance, though.

What I really LOVE DOING is to write, speak up, be fashionable, act and dance. However, I know I'm not that good in most of them.

I simply don't know what to do.
I just wanna share about my confusion. Maybe someone out there reading my blog could give a little advice on what to do.
Anyway, I know people in my age are also bothered with a lot of things is their lives.

We'll never know when, but let's be ready.

2011-04-17T23:47:00.001+08:00

(I'm still in tears)

I found out early this morning that the young actor from ABS-CBN, AJ Perez, died in a vehicular accident.
AJ had been my 'crush' since I saw him in ABS-CBN 2 months ago.
He's tall, white, handsome and his presence was not the airy-type of person but he appears to be a down-to-earth man even in television.

I've always been so involved with celebrities through the power of cyber world. I like watching/reading intrigues, interviews or write-ups about stars and I know AJ is somewhat a good man, as everybody said.
I've seen AJ Perez act and grew in the industry since he started in All about your love way back 2007.

I dunno why am I so affected but he really made me cry.
He's too young - only 18. He's in my age bracket that's why i feel like I'm one of his friends.
I sincerely am praying for him to rest in peace as he already met our creator.

This incident told me how short life is. Any time of the day, we can leave life.
AJ made me realize that a person will always be remembered if you would live your life not to beautify your name but to be a better person to others and be an inspiration to them.
I know AJ is from a well-off family but I didn't see boastfulness in him.
How I wish the moment I die, I could inspire others the most.

It's never too late to change. Let's all be good. Let's do what we need to do without showing people what we have to be above them.
Humility will always be a virtue. I swear I really learned a lot today.
I swear to try my very best to keep my feet on the ground all the time even in my most fulfilling moments and successes so that when I face the Lord, I wouldn't be shameful for what I've done with his gift of life.

Extreme eaters! :p

2011-04-16T02:42:00.000+08:00

Mom, my sister and I dined out for dinner.
We had such a bloating evening because my mom ordered these:

Yang Chow Rice, Beef Brocolli

Spinach Soup

Steamed fish in tofu and black olives

Mango & Prawns salad ( I swear this is yummy! )

Black Almond Shake

Hell, yeah. We have eaten that all up. No leftovers aside from I think a cup of Yang Chow rice. :))

After that is this one for the REAL dessert:

Frozen Yogurt. <3

So that ended our bloated yet stomach-fulfilling night. :))

For you, Patricia. :)

2011-04-13T13:55:00.000+08:00

2 weeks from now is my birthday.
I'm thinking of the best gift that I could give myself.

I admit I am so stressed of being Idle here at home most of the time so I think I deserve this:

A SPA:

I've been wanting a better acoustic guitar so maybe this one:

Or Get a 3-month membership from one of the famous fitness centers in the Philippines - Slimmers World @ Alabang for my ultimate goal: a healthy & sexy body.

So, those are the 3 things that I like, most.
Well, as you see, I am not actually the materialistic type.
I like more of seeing what I could achieve or how a certain event can change my life or my feelings at the moment. :)

Stressed out for doing nothing? Ugh.

2011-04-09T12:37:00.000+08:00

I need mediation right now.
My mind is effin' stressed for doing nothing.

I've got no one to spend my day with peacefully.
I can't sing enough. I still have cough & colds.
I can't compose a good song because I have headache.

Ugh. Okay. I'm not feeling well because of this monthly thing women have. :))
I wonder what's the main reason why most women are irritated when they have this.

It's with them I found what I need.

2011-04-08T12:09:00.000+08:00

I don't know where this realization started.
I just woke this morning reminiscing the things that made me happy and then the thought was there.

I remember myself blaming everything to life.
"Life really sucks; Life is unfair; Why do I have a life like this?" and so on.
I was a very negative person because I wanted to be perfect which I know is beyond impossible.
I just like being with myself because as I've said in my previous blogs, I'm afraid people would see my flaws.
That was me way back my puberty age.

It's just lately, when I entered college, that I realized that the problem wasn't the world but me.
All of a sudden, I learned how to open myself from others, joke around and be sincere of liking people.
I could say I became happy. I've got less worries; I gained confidence as people praises me whenever they see me performing; I became a better person.

So my realization comes like this:
Happiness comes from people around us. A person cannot appreciate his/her good qualities without people to compare with; One can never strive to be the best when there's no better people who could be the motivation; No one can make you feel the best comfort and love without friends, family or simple acquaintance.
Though people around us hurt us too, they make us feel better whenever we surpass the pain. It makes us better ones.

Yes, I could say I'm a gay person now.
Of course God will always be there, but I'm beyond grateful that I have the best family, I have the coolest girlfriends, the most talented bandmates and it's only now that I could appreciate my high school classmates whom I used to snob.

I'm sure I've got more people to know as I continue my journey. And I'm very much excited to discover how much more realizations these upcoming people could bring me.

Let's do this. For real. :)))

2011-04-06T23:57:00.000+08:00

So as they say..

Regine Angeles is my THINspiration..
hawwwwt body! :)

Cut it for the better.

2011-04-04T22:21:00.000+08:00

Say whatever you wanna say.

This is the beginning of me being tough.
Less worries, more happiness.
Goodbye, laid back insecure girl.
Hello, confident open-minded lady.

It's never too late.

2011-04-02T13:14:00.001+08:00

I thought being at home is the answer to avoid everyone's judgement that's why I used to hide myself from the world simply because I know I've got nothing so good to show up.
Never did I know that what's outside was more to what I thought it to be.
The worst of the evil were there but the best of the best could also be seen.

I used to be the not-so-timid but silent type because of the insecurities embracing my being.
I've been very paranoid of what the world speaks about me.
Do they hate me? Did they see my hidden imperfections?
To make the discussion short, I hate seeing people disappointed with me.
I wanna please everybody.

This was the reason why I don't have much friends.
I've been a snob because I'm afraid people would turn me down. I never did approach someone first.
I've been contented being with myself. At least, no one hurts me, I thought. I'm not happy then.

Yes, I've been a total idiot.
It's just now that I'm starting to learn about life.
Recently, I learned that I won't be able to love unless I'd be hurt by people around me.
I learned that it will always be good to make friends who you can lean on in the future.
I realized a month ago that people is important in someone's life. There's more to learn from experiences with people around me that to read and memorize what's inside those books all day long without relating it to reality and having the same encounter.

I know I really missed a lot in the world.
Nevertheless, I'm still very willing to learn more and most of the mysteries of life.
I may be a late bloomer. However, I know it's never too late for a teenager like me to go out from her shell, be brave ebough to face everyone exposing her failures and successes.

LPB is LOVE.

2011-03-30T16:42:00.009+08:00

I will always be thankful to God for giving me my 2nd family by heart, Lasallian Pop Band.
Each and every person in the band is someone who gives me strength and inspires me to continue living my life in the happiest ways.

I would like to thank:

- Sir Eisen for accepting me in the band. I know I'm not as professional as everybody else but he still believed in my talent. He's our father and adviser. I owe him everything. I would never be someone I am today and I would never met the silliest and the most loving people if not for him.

- Kuya Dabs for being such a good leader to us. He's the kind of leader that would beat up anyone for his members. May masaktan lang sa POP, alam na! :) I really admire his tough personality. Isang tahimik lang nya, pag magulo ang pop sa meeting, magiging maayos na. I salute him for keeping the heart and fun in the group despite all the good and bad circumstances.

- Kuya Wilton for the training. I believe if not for him, I wouldn't be a better student as I am today. I learned how to rush things out when it comes to paper works. I had always been the bukas na lang type of person but because I know how responsible this person is, nahihiya ako ma-late ng pasa sa lahat ng pinapagawa nya. I believe he's one of the most impressive people that I've met on Earth.

- Kuya Vince for making me feel so appreciated all the time. His simple "that's my girl" really means something to me though he says it to everyone. This person gives me all the positivity in the world. His presence makes everyone feel easy. I know he would do anything to be with Pop Band which really told me what is the real meaning of friendship.

- Ate Krystel for giving me the best advices when it comes to myself. She knows my weakest points but she never tried to ignore them. She always tells me how should I react from people around me. She always reminds me to trust myself and cut all the insecurities. She's a very confident woman. She taught me not to think about what would others say about me because in reality, we can't please everybody. Ate Krystel is someone very honest and I really look up to her because of that. No pretensions, no hidings.

- Ate Tin for always listening to my bitter-sweet problems. She's my ate and friend at the same time. Her faith inspires me to boost more when it comes to my spirituality. She always makes me feel that I'm so blessed. This person has a very good heart. I like having her around because she reminds me who to thank when I'm so happy and I'm at my best.

- Kuya Rommel for being super thoughtful. His simple text messages saying "Pat, wer ka?" makes me feel that I'm remembered by someone. I know how dedicated this person is when it comes to work. Define MASIPAG, si Kuya Rommel 'yon.

- Kuya Jerry for being so sweet. I like it whenever he calls me "Patchicha". I could really feel that I'm the bunso. I look up to this person when it comes to his patience fighting spirit. Everyone teases him but he never got mad. In fact, he is the one who makes the silliest jokes for him to make us laugh. Kuya Jerry is one of a kind.

- Kuya Jorell for always being there and for being such a great friend, brother and listener. He has always been the one who cheers me up and forces me to be strong whenever I'm wounded by people around me or with my insecurities. I know he would always take my side whether right or wrong. I love him so much that sometimes I'm being selfish because I get jealous whenever he gets closer to other girls in my age. He is someone who everyone would love to have. I'm lucky to be treated by him as his baby sister. I'm so pampered. :))

- Kuya Anton for being my great Kuya. This guy and Kuya Jorell really makes me feel that I'm their sister by heart and soul. I know this man also protects me in his own ways. Kuya Anton's insane teases always makes me laugh though they were supposed to be irritating. I like it that the two of us could keep secrets and we really get along despite our age gap. One thing that I adore about him was his humility. Everyone knows how well-off he and his family is but he never did brag out on us. He's the big guy with a heart twice as big as a mountain.

- Marvin for always giving me a good conversation. Boredom never filled me whenever I'm with this person. He knows what I like and what boosts my interests that's why I really like talking to him. This person also reminds me that there is no specific picture when it comes to being beautiful. What I need is to simply accept myself and be a well-disciplined person if I really aim for something. This person is someone who would accept you in your worst that's why he has my whole respect.

- Kuya Ryan for always making things easy for me. I know he's the silent type of guy but whenever he's with me, he really tries his best to start a topic so that I won't feel uneasy. I wanna thank him for understanding me whenever I'm not in the mood to joke around. I hope for more bonding moments with him in the coming school year.

- Paul for all the funny memories. Most of the moments I had with this guy were not so serious because he loves teasing around. I admire this person for being so kind that he just accepts whatever people say about him. As long as he's happy, he wouldn't bother explaining his side. I want to thank him for being the first person in the group to notice and appreciate my strengths as a person and as a performer. I know this guy is a true friend when you really became one of his trusted friends.

- Geniu for always giving me a good company. He has been my movie partner, gym-mate and phone-pal. I know he'll always be there for me no matter what. I like his optimism when it comes to life. Just like me, this person failed a lot of times but he never lost hope to continue pursuing on what he dreams to be. He had seen me broke into pieces but his positivity inspired me to dream on. I don't bother having him around because I know if ever I would fail in any way, he would understand.

- Ate Jing for inspiring me to be the best that I can be. She's good in everything she does that's why most of the guys call her IDOL JING. Whenever I see her, it tells me that I should never be afraid to try new things. I also admire her for not seeing not-so-good people as weaker ones despite her goodness when it comes to performing. I also like her because with her, everyone is welcome. She never chooses her friends. She could adjust and get along with anyone.

- Angelique for being very nice to me. I know we don't have the same perception in life but I know she treats me as a friend. We rarely are together but I'm glad that she updates me if she'll be attending or not in our duties or gigs. She's the I-don't-care-whatever-you-say type of person as long as she is happy. Hands down to her for that. She is a very strong woman.

- Jazz for being my best friend in the group. The first time we text, I already called her "sis" because I know we are similar in many ways. I really wanna thank her for giving me her trust. She's the timid type but from the first day up to present, she has always been very open to me. She's a very trustworthy person. She could keep secrets and she could listen to stories without judging you in any way. Jazz has always been there for me. Even by simply eating lunch with me even if she has her classmates with her really touches my heart. She's a very great musician and I really look up to her. She's my motivation to practice more in singing because I saw how passionate she is in this field. I could see Jazz as my twin sister. I know she would be mad at people who would hurt me and me as well with her. If there are perfect people, Jazz is one of them.

They are my family in school. I've never been as happy in a group of people as I am today. Before, I used to be at one corner because I'm afraid people would judge me and see my imperfections.
When I met these people, I felt very accepted. It was only in this group that I need not to change myself because they accept and love me for who I am.
In fact, in our open forum, my seniors told me that I was very good because they could rely on me; but then they didn't know that it was my way of thanking them because the group really has helped me a lot. I also know that I'm not a good musician that's why I'm just helping them to make things easier with simple things, para hindi naman ako pabigat.
I believe in 9 months time, I've improved a lot as a person and as a performer. In every aspects of life, I became better because of them.

With them, I realized that there's more to learn with people around you and with experiences rather than what the books could offer.

So, before I turn 17 next month and before the new bunso comes, I really wanna thank my band mates for the love and trust that they have given me.
I wouldn't exchange the world for you, guys.
I pray for more powerful years to come in Pop Band. :)
I love LPB. <3

LPB Year End Wokrshop 2011

2011-03-30T12:26:00.000+08:00

I never knew I could be as happy as I have been these past 3 days with my oh-so-loving friends and my 2nd family, my bandmates in school, the Lasallian Pop Band.

March 27-29, 2011 had been one of the most relaxing and happiest days of my life.

Day 1:

We left around 7am in school heading to our desired place - Kuya Anton's living hacienda in Bataan. There were only 13 in the bus excluding the bus driver namely Sir Joel, Kuya Wilton, Ate Krystel, Kuya Rommel, Kuya Jerry, Ate Tin, Kuya Jorell, Geniu, Marvin, Kuya Ryan, Ate Jing, Jazz and I. After 2 hours, we had our breakfast in Jollibee, NLEX.
We arrived at the place around 11:30am. Kuya Anton was not there yet so it was his parents who welcomed us in their hometown. We sang in the videoke and roamed around while we waited for the remaining people.

When Kuya Anton, Ate Kim, Kuya Vince and Kuya Kim arrived, we started to talk about foods to eat. And yes, we only ate and swam in the pool the whole day long plus the jamming sessions. Spaghetti, Chicken, Polvoron c/o Marvin, Chips and Liempo. <3 Day 2:

We woke up early because we were heading to Anawangin Beach, Zambales to experience the real fun under the sun. We left Bataan around 7am and we reached Zambales around 9:30 or so.
We had a 30-minute boat ride; where, we really struggled because of the waves. Nevertheless, we came safe and sound in Anawangin Beach and the place was literally breathtaking.

We swam, roamed around, took pictures and all. We really enjoyed it to the fact that we all had sun burn but it didn't matter to us anymore.

3pm, we left Anawangin, we rode in the boat again to pass the island back to the land.

Around 3:45, we left Zambales and headed back to Bataan.
We stooped over a restaurant named "The Coffee Shop" where we ate a Taco which was really a must try. Suuuper yummy indeed!
When done eating, we had fun while on our way home when Ate Jing started playing the guitar singing "Itanong mo kay ___, kung sinong kanyang mahal" and then the person asked was suppose to answer the question by singing "Si ___ lang ang aking mahal......" :)
There were several hidden feelings that were exposed and the teasing was all over us.

When we reached back in Bataan, we swam again in the pool. Yes, that was round 10pm and we just can't get enough of water. We really bonded because of the diving, threading and everything about swimming.
Here's a peek of my dive. <3

We ended the day with a sweet open-forum where every hard and good feelings was revealed. We finished talking about things around 4am.

Day 3:

It was our last day. We woke up around 9-10am to have breakfast. We finished cleaning and everything that was supposed to be done around 1:30 and there we started to take our last photos in Kuya Anton's rest house.

14 of us were in the bus while Kuya Anton was in his car because of her girlfriend, Ate Kim.
We left Bataan around 2pm. Most of us were asleep in the bus because of exhaustion. We stopped over a very cool pasalubong area where we had our take-aways for our beloved family.

We separated around 6pm and I really wanted for more. Bitin, yes. I just can't believe that I've been very happy with them despite the fact that we differ in belief and we were all strangers if not for music.
At first, I thought I can't stay for long with these kind of people but I guess it was them who inspires me the most to continue living despite the imperfections.

I love Lasallian Pop Band. <3

Restaurant Catchers. :))

2011-03-23T21:24:00.000+08:00

I had a great day today with my good friend, Janine. :))

After shopping in certain thrift shops, we did a walk-a-ton from Olivarez Plaza up to Robinson's Tagaytay for 1 hour hoping that there's this buffet restaurant, Barrio Fiesta, where we were suppose to have our pig out day. :))
Foolish that we've suffered walking for 1 hour and yet it would only take 5 mins if we've ridden a vehicle. :)) We had fun though and that's what matters most. And oh!, btw, there is no Barrio Fiesta in Rob Tagaytay that's why we rode a jeepney and went back to Dasma for SM in there has our prescribed restaurant. :))

Yes, we are both outgoing and great eaters. :)) We could travel that far for the sake of happiness brought by FOOD. :)))

>:|

2011-03-21T22:41:00.000+08:00

Ugh. I'm so pissed!!!!!!
Someone told me something very offensive and degrading..

Damn you, judgemental close-minded guy!

Mom & I had cheezy messages over the phone. :p

2011-03-19T23:26:00.000+08:00

I was very touched this afternoon with my mom and I's exchange of text messages.

Mom: Tuloy ka ba sa may FCIE? (audition for Viva management) Text mo c Tita Joy para masamahan ka.

Me: Mom, hindi na po.. I'm not in condition. Baka next time hindi na ko makaulit kay Boss Vic (manager) pag pumalapak ako today. Hehe. Next time na lang po. :)

Mom: Ok. Mag rest ka. Matulog. Para ung mind and body mo e maka-pahinga rin para ready ka for next week's exam.

Me: Ok po. Naglinis po ako closet and cabinet ko.. Kakatapos ko lang po. hehe :)

Mom: Wow, ate. You are really growing up.. Keep it up. :) Nagmamature ka na talaga.

Me: Weee! I know, ma. :) Thank you po! Take care pag-uwi later. :*

Goodness! My mom is the sweetest! :) It really feels good whenever my mom appreciates my little improvements in life. :) My heart is filled with inspiration! :)

Where is success?

2011-03-18T22:36:00.000+08:00

I'm torn between studies and singing career..

Whenever my course, Broadcast Journalism, would have events, I always have the thought of quitting from my organization and just FOCUS on my studies, improve then stand out.
Those graduating 4th year people were just so good and I know they would have great future because they have invested well.
On the other side, I could also see how well my blockmates have been for the past few weeks from last sem. While, I couldn't even peek even a little improvement with myself when it comes to public speaking, writing or anything that is essential in this course.
I know what I need is focus but then I've been very busy with my band and I couldn't be so productive with some of my spare time because I've been using them for my body to patch up with stress.

Well, I don't wanna give up my band because it's just now that I have experienced people's applause because of my performances. It's just now that I could start building up my self-esteem because of others' appreciation. It's just now that I could sense my worth as a person in the society and in my family.

I know. I'm disturbed once again. For the nth time I'm still confused who I wanted to be in the future because if I really know then there would be no hesitations and all the negativity.
In fact, I asked my mom about this. She told me that it's really up to me because it's my future that is at stake.

I really want to be a famous, inspiring performer someday but I don't have the assurance that I will be. Stardom would need a long wait and the right timing.
Of course, I'm not sure that I would be a successful journalist but then I have more percentage to succeed in the media world if I would really focus and start learning beyond of what papers could tell me because I have the connection.

Ugh. I hate this but I know I need to choose one in order for me to be TRULY successful.

Who would I be?

2011-03-13T19:54:00.000+08:00

Really, I want to be someone.

For now, I still don't have the idea who would I be.

Someone rich and famous - a tycoon?
Witty but low profile - a reporter?
Famous but full of controversies - a showbiz icon?
Someone people look up to but easy to replace - a permormer?

I'm just a 1st year college student and it may be early for me to think about my future 3-4 years from now but I couldn't help of being aggressive to be out there.

As early as today, I already want to help my mom, have my own car, build my own house, help the needed and have a glimpse of the world's best assets.
It's not about money but in reality, it's a big part.

Oh, well, I need to discover first what's that something I won't get tired of doing to keep me going and for me to stay put on the right track to success and total happiness.

Now he has another prospect..

2011-03-11T00:31:00.000+08:00

He's out of my life now..

I remember the days we used to chat every night and ask how's each other's day have been..
All the memories were flashing back as if they just happened yesterday.
You told me you'll wait for me but look where you are now, you left me.
I thought you're different. But it's as if there was an expiry date of your feelings where after we've been close enough, you left me hanging.

Now it's her. It's her you always text, chat and talk with. She is the apple of your eye while here I am, alone.
I could see everyday how much time you were spending for her. I am jelous, maybe.
However, I couldn't believe that after a day, everything just disappeared.
You met her just last week; the day we last talked. She's got a pretty face and I didn't know if that's what you saw in her.

I couldn't believe you were ignoring me. I could sense the your discomfort whenever I'm around.
Yeah, it wasn't me anymore that you like but at least, we could have saved the friendship.

I dunno what to think more about you. All I know is that you left, avoided and hurt me. You almost broke my heart into pieces. Thank God I'm not yet in love with you. Liar.

The Adjusment Bureau review.

2011-03-05T11:22:00.000+08:00

Even if it was just in a movie, I can relate it in reality..

Me and my band mates watched the movie "THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU" last night in cinema. The movie was really thrilling and I enjoyed it.

The movie was all about love vs. success..
The fate of the protagonist, David Norris points him to success and the woman he love, Elise, was a hindrance for what was planned for him. That's why there were these "controlling people" who kept on stopping him from seeing her. However, David fought for Elise in all the ways he could. There were lots of trials he had gone through. It was also mentioned there that if David stayed with Elise, either his dream or Elise's dream would be at stake; that's why he stayed away from Elise for about 11 months because he wanted her to achieve success. He showed to her again when Elise was about to get married with her ex. The "controlling men" tried to chase them and stop their love but the lovers showed those men how much they were in love with one another and so those silly men stopped. Later on, a man showed them that everything was a test for them.

That made me realize that we could always change fate if we want to because we are creating our own destiny. Life is a matter of choice and decisions and we could always choose happiness and fight for it.

My mind is rusted.

2011-02-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

As a journalist, I've been very unproductive this week..

No blogs, no journals and no readings.. Ugh.
I've spent the previous week practicing for our concert on Wednesday. Even holidays and weekends, me and my band mates did practice all day long.
Yeah, it was very exhausting and I couldn't finish some of my school works because of our rehearsals.

Now it's our rest day from the band and my finishing day for my projects..

Ugh. College life was very tiring but filled with fun & excitement at the same time.
Sometimes I just want to stop yet I could not. I love doing what I am doing and hopefully I will be what I wanted to be in the future. :)

I know focus and more dedication is what I need.

Piggy Patty.

2011-02-20T22:25:00.000+08:00

I pigged out again!

Goodness! I've eaten Jollibee's Big Champ, spaghetti & large fries together with pancit malabon, shrimp, veggies, fresh strawberries, a toblerone bar and 2 ice creams.

Haha. Can you imagine how many calories I put in my body? Oh, freak. >:))))))

Charity it is. :)

2011-02-18T23:10:00.001+08:00

I realized how blessed I am for still having my mom with me..

This afternoon me and my block mates went on an outreach program in an orphanage near our university. I never thought it would make me feel like that after being able to feed, entertain and bond with them. The kids were very happy upon seeing us and they really did cooperate in what we have prepared for them. They were very participative in the games and even in showing us, their ates & kuyas, their skills. Some of them sang and some danced. It was us who were suppose to entertain them but we were the ones who were entertained. I saw how happy they have been and I believe we have received twice as much as their happiness. Though they didn't have their immediate family with them, they still looked like worry-less. Maybe because they were still not in the right age to understand things yet it was really good how little things could make simple children happy.

Another thing that really touched me was when I gave Cheska, my alaga, my stuffed toy when I was a kid, she gave me a big smile. She was very shy at first but upon receiving that toy, she talked to me simultaneously. I dunno how to explain the happiness I felt but it really touched my heart. We even played in their play ground and Cheska showed me the paintings on the wall in one of those houses in House of Joy.

When we were about to live, I was teary-eyed when Cheska told me: "Ate, kelan ka babalik?" Can you imagine a 3 or 4 year-old girl could show such affection and sweetness for me? Then I thought, she really want someone to be with. She wanted someone who could take care of her like a baby girl and play all-day-long. I don't pity her. What I felt was compassion.

I was very lucky to have my mom and my sister. I have my biological family and we could show our love for each other everyday. Unlike those kids who lacked for individual attention and care.

I never knew charity could be this fulfilling and heartwarming. Now that I know, all of a sudden I thought of doing more charitable works when I have my own salary. Sharing blessings will always be a virtue. :)

I'm simply broke.

2011-02-17T22:59:00.000+08:00

You're disgusting. I'm so turned off.
I understand the fact that you didn't know what to do but can't you even think on your own?
There will always be a first time but sincerity is a must once you did something. Stop pretending for the sake of you good image in others' eyes. They don't care for what you are. Just please do your thing and stop. I can't take more lies.

Now I dislike you even more. You thought you could please me by simply giving me a material thing because you didn't so anything last valentine's day? Oh, hell. If you needed an apology, better talk to me personally and apologize yourself than what you did. You gave me that effin' stuff toy so that others would think at least you've done something though late.

I'm so DISAPPOINTED.

You broke my heart. Damn you.

CRUSH! CRUSH! CRUSH! lol.

2011-02-16T00:01:00.000+08:00

Dammit. I'm sooo kilig! >:))))

I have a CRUSH. Yeah, first time in La Salle. For no reasons, I find him cute. :)))
And he happened to be my classmate in one of my subjects.
Goodness! I knew I was literally blushing that moment when my silly friends teased me to him. I know it was obvious that I like him.
Geez! He's smile was so cute that i couldn't help but smile in return!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! <3

Broken Valentine.

2011-02-15T00:01:00.001+08:00

I had a very dull Valentine's day.

In fact I don't really give a damn with the fact that no guy even bothered to gave me a rose or whatsoever. It's just that, there's this guy who asked me to be his date this Valentines. Sadly, no date happened. Dishonest of me to say I didn't expect anything. Of course, I did.
He didn't even give me even a letter. Well, I thought he likes me and I've learned to like him later on but he broke my heart once more.

I saw him in school but its as if he didn't care at all. He seemed to forget everything about us. Hell, yeah. It really hurt me. I know it's confirmed. I thought the sudden coldness between us wouldn't be for long but as I see it, we're totally done. Maybe I should stop from here. Maybe his feelings were gone and I should move on.
They said the pain reached my eyes yet I kept on hiding my heartache. I need to save at least my ego. I just felt like betrayed and rejected at the same time.

Yes, he's not my type of man. He doesn't know how it is to be a MAN in action. I curse myself for liking him because now I'm beyond disappointed. I was hurt literally. Okay; I need to stop expecting and looking forward with more sweetnothings from him.

I will stop; NOW.

Another man close to my heart has settled down.

2011-02-13T23:53:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, February 12, 2011, one of the most important men in my life, my uncle (mom's brother), got married.

It really broke my heart yet I know my tito would be happy with his wife.
I used to joke around with him as if he's a brother as well as a father and now he'll be having his own family.
Selfish of me that I wanted him to stay single but I know nothing much would really change.

Anyway, the wedding was really very romantic. Everything turned out well. The food was EXCELLENT. I know my uncle and his wife struggled a lot for their *rushed* wedding and good for them that it was very much successful.

I dunno what to say. I just need to be happy for them. I've got no choice. Probably my reaction was like this because another man in my life would be taken away from me. Yes, he's still my tito but I know the closeness wouldn't be the same because he has another woman in his life now where he needs to focus and sooner or later he would be a father.

All of a sudden, I wanted to have a second father.

Stop, look and read.

2011-02-13T23:01:00.001+08:00

I've been gone, yes, but the passion for writing remained.

I know; I promised that at least every other day I should have a post here in my blogger. However, I've been a ghost blogger these past few days because I was grounded.

Geez! Mom changed the password of my laptop, my sister's and even the desktop. She came home late last week and later on found out that the dishes were not yet washed and our house was as if ransacked (not literal). My sister and I were in our room that time laying on the bed while doing our computer-related chores.
Of course, mom got mad and the next thing I knew was we were grounded.

Anyway, I learned from it. Almost a week being away from my laptop made patch things up with my family. We got to talk more and enjoy more usual things together.Before, I used to face my laptop for around 3 hours; Now, I realize that there's more to life than locking yourself in the world of impersonal communication.

Nevertheless, I believe once a blogger, always a blogger. So here am I. Another post it is and more to come. :)

B-O-R-E-D

2011-02-06T22:21:00.000+08:00

Boredom could kill me anytime at this moment.

The internet was effin' lag so I couldn't download songs.
I've got no one to talk to.
No one texts me.
No one had chatted with me for long in Facebook.
My sister wouldn't want to talk to me.
Mom was busy.

Ugh, should I talk to myself? I'm gonna go insane! >:|
Being alone is good but that's when you're pre-occupied or you've got things to do.
But today? I've been very lazy reviewing for my exams this week.
My head was aching because I just had my adjustment for my braces.

Oh, yeah. I've got nothing to do. So, okay. I'll just sleep. After a long time, I'll be sleeping again this early.

Boooooooooooooooooooooriiiing day! >:(((

Good guys weren't that good.

2011-02-05T22:48:00.000+08:00

For Pete's sake! Why were there torpe men on Earth?

After 6 months of knowing each other, for the first time he told me he loves me and later on regret it.

He expected that I would respond I love him too but I didn't. Know what I said?: ASA!

Geez! He ignores me all the time and its as if we weren't friends.
He smiles and jokes around with everyone but not with me.
They say he's a shy type of guy that's why he couldn't approach me first.

Dammit. I like him but I hate the fact that he's so not a real man.
He's way of thinking was that of a child that he couldn't even understand the meaning of loving from liking someone.
Ugh, now he's blaming me for not appreciating his honesty.

I'm pissed. I don't like immature men. Its as if I need to explain things all the time fo him to understand.
Oh yeah, he's an immature, self-centered, insensitive BOY. >:|

Refrain from being bad.

2011-02-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

You don't have to be bad for you to be cool..

As I see it, a lot of bad people in my age have more so-called friends than those who are literally good.
You need to be bad for you to be awesome for the many.
Those good people who wanted to do the right ones were marked as boring type of creatures. They say no to cheating, avoid cutting classes, taboo premarital sex, no to white and black lies and those who were very much obedient to their parents, they were sick for those people who wanted to enjoy by doing the wrong things.

Yes, maybe you could experience the fun of living when you break the laws yet the happiness that you would feel was just for quite sometime. When we die, it was better if we would face God saying that we have done most that was good.

I didn't know what was good by doing things against what was right.
No, I'm not beautifying my image. I've been bad several times in my life and I did regret most of them. Whenever I do things that I knew was against what is correct, my conscience is killing me.
Maybe my mom just taught me the right meaning of morality. It was doing only what is right and not doing what was against God's plan. I may sound boring and absurd but this is the truth.

The evil was invading the whole nation little by little by showing us what pleasure could we receive from being bad. It is tempting, yes but we need to hold on to our faith. Stick with what is right so you could conquer the temptation.
Everything is a matter of self control and discipline.

My heart this love month.

2011-02-01T22:37:00.000+08:00

Here comes the month of love but I'm happily loveless.

X kept on asking me to be his date on the Valentine's day but I stand for refusing him. I didn't know why but still, I don't want our relationship back. He even pleaded on me. I said he was pathetic but he wouldn't give up. Yes, it would hurt if I would see someone else with him but I wouldn't want myself with him either.

Another man who was being paired with me was a drummer. Okay, let's call him Y. (lol)
I like him but he was too timid for me. It was as if he's not a man. He doesn't know when to speak up and when to keep silent. He was silent all the time except for chats and text messages. Nevertheless, I hate the fact that he was really into me. I like that suplado but sincere type of guy. He may be not as physically attractive as any other men but he has his own appreciations.
In fact, he told me an hour before I had written this post that he would tell me something tomorrow. I don't know what it is. I asked for a clue and the only thing he said was it was about us. I didn't know how to react but I would be waiting for tomorrow. I just hope it was what I'm thinking for. Well, even if he has shown a lot of insensitivity, it was still not too late.

Comparing the two of them, X was much better than Y. However, I like Y more.
They both had hurt me but with different reasons.
X betrayed me while Y showed as if he doesn't even care.
X was witty and Y was not; X was a MVP and Y was a valuable player only in computer games.
X was caring and vocal while Y shows his care through his sweet glances.
X wouldn't bother to give me expensive gifts while Y always lacks for money.
Yes, X was 3 steps a higher person than Y but I don't know what's with the last man why my feelings for him gets deeper as time pass by.

I know I am too young for the word LOVE yet it's part of growing up.
Of course, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship at this moment. I know my priorities and no one could ever demand for me what to do.
I know myself too well. What I want is my heart to be at ease. A little inspiration is enough. The thought of someone special on your side, taking care of you and showing you how good it was to be in love is more than a motivation to keep on living and keep on excelling.
Think whatever you want to think, but it's true. I just need my heart to be safe and sound.

He's into someone I know.

2011-01-30T00:51:00.000+08:00

We've met again because of our common twin friends' debut.

X and I talked with each other again. It has been a long time since the last time I have spoken to him and now I have discovered a lot of things about him. He asked me about someone and I knew she was his new prospect. He said he like the girl in the chorale because she was so simple yet very stunning. Well, it was nothing with me but as he kept on praising her, I felt something familiar: jealousness.

Ugh, I hate it but I admit. I really can't still accept the fact that I am now totally out of his life even if I don't want the relationship back. Another point was I don't know why do he need seek my help for him to be closer to that girl. Maybe he wants to see me get jealous again and dammit, he succeeded.

I know I looked stupid but at least I am real. What I did the whole night was sit and stay silent. Upon reaching home, I pigged out again after 2 weeks because of too much hidden feelings. I don't love him anymore but I miss our childish misunderstandings and his brotherly care. But then again, I still regret not that we were not together anymore. I believe I made the right decision; well I hope I did.

Friendship is a matter of acceptance.

2011-01-28T22:41:00.000+08:00

I believe that friendship is real when there is love and acceptance.

Yes, they were right. I am loud, outspoken, I act like a child and I am maarte. Of course I know myself. It's true; people are different. However, I know we still need to respect one another despite the differences.

I have this "friend" who made a distance on me because he can't stay with me for long because my voice was freakin' loud. In short, napapahiya sya whenever I shout. Maybe I'm that irritating for him but I can't accept the fact that the friendship was ruined because of my simple imperfection.

I dunno who were my TRUE friends because I'm not sure if they would remain the same with me the moment they have discovered my flaws. In fact, I've got a lot of "best friends" but not the type of friendship in movies that was deep and full of trust.

I really want to find that certain person who would be there up and down. I need someone who could beat up anyone that would hurt my feelings even if I ain't doing anything. I badly am hoping for that TRUEST friend among all to come soon.

My oh-so-expressive eyes cheated on me.

2011-01-27T23:49:00.000+08:00

My eyes told them all..

Yesterday, our band had it's pictorial for our concert which would be held on the 2nd day of March.
Of course, I had those solo silly shots; but what gave the pictorial a twist was when they called that man they are teasing with me and took photos of us together.
It looked like as if we were into a pre-nuptial photo shoot. The only difference was our shots were not with the usual sweet poses. They made a story as if he was courting me and all.
Our photo shoot was even longer than my solo shots as well as with others. Approximately, it lasted for 30 minutes. Yes, that long.

I really don't like it. They played on us. We were like human puppies there who just follows what our bosses wanted. However, I know things would be larger and the issue would go further if we wouldn't ride with their not-so-good tripping on us. We had no choice.

What I hate about it was one of our pictures was printed awhile ago and they posted it on the wall of our music room. Freak! I know my eyes were literally twinkle-ling in the photo because it was an eye to eye pose. They were provoking us that we have the chemistry but I see to it that they won't see what I was feeling inside that very moment. I was ashamed of myself. I curse my eyes for being so effin' expressive that I couldn't even hide my emotions. Oh no, it wasn't love. It was pure kilig but then the spark was there. Maybe I should be less transparent so that I won't be that obvious next time. :))

Rock and Roll. \m/

2011-01-25T21:18:00.000+08:00

Fulfillment from within was what I felt after being able to sing in front of slammin' & jammin' party people of La Salle!

Dammit! I can't explain the happiness I felt and still feeling that joy while I'm typing this post.
Honestly, that was the best performance I've ever had.

*That's what you get* by Paramore was the song I sang and I freaked out on stage.
I used to be the girly type of performer who just smiles and sways with the music.
This time, I transformed into a head banger, screaming li'l rocker chick.
I didn't know how did I look like on stage but I didn't hell'a care!

I was just so glad that finally, I am now out of my safe side in performing.

Achievement; that's it.

Healing because of the family..

2011-01-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

Thank God my family was there; I was pulled away from sadness.

I had a great shopping day out with my mom, sis, aunts and uncles.
My family has always been there at the right time for rescue.
I'm glad they know when do I need them the most.

I'm happy being with them but I'm still hurting.
I'm blessed to have my family with me because I know they're the ones who wouldn't turn their backs on me ever.

Another first..

2011-01-22T23:10:00.000+08:00

We really can't please everybody.

I had my first ever "gig" with TF a few minutes ago and it wasn't that good.
Nah, it wasn't the songs which was not good at all - there was a misunderstanding between us and the audience.
I was invited to sing in a debut. The one who gave me what to sing was our keyboardist. We sang a lot of pops songs and after performing, there was this guy who said we shouldn't have sung those kinds of songs. They were Christians and they don't like songs with not so good meaning. In fact, I really didn't know that songs like that weren't accepted in their religion. I really felt ashamed and disappointed but the damage has been done.

I then realize that we should first know who our audience were so that we would know what songs to play. Anyhow, at least, I have experienced another first time and I learned from it.

Heartache.

2011-01-21T23:55:00.001+08:00

He's gone too far..

I was pissed by him 2 days ago and I told him so when he called me later that evening.. Yeah, for the first time, he called me using his own phone. He said he knew I was mad at him so he wanted to be in good terms again with me.

What really pushed me to the limit of my patience was when they were teasing him to sit beside me and then he moved away and made a face. Of course, I was bothered by his reaction. It's as if I was the one who's pushing myself through him. In short, for me, ANG KAPAL NA NYA! My friend even reacted: "Bakit ba? Para kang nandidiri kay Pat; ang ganda ganda naman nya." Well, with my disgust, he didn't even give a damn to even react.

And yes, we talked that night about US. He apologized for his rudeness and I accepted; Yet later on, he sounded like that again. I asked him: "Bakit ka tawag ng tawag?", He answered: "Eh bat mo sinasagot?". Yuck, right? He's assuming and for me, he's insensitive. I just really don't understand him because he was like that if there was only the two of us talking, but when we were already in front of other people, it's as if he doesn't know me. What I hated about him was the fact that he was too demanding for help but it's as if he doesn't know how to appreciate..

Dang! Now, he isn't even texting nor chatting me.. Well, I told him: "Wala nang usap2 ah! Bye!" when all of a sudden, he said: "Ge, may poject pa ko, tapusin ko na. Cge na, bye." And I was like, "Hello? sino bang tumawag? Parang pinaparating mo na ako pa ung namimilit sau na kausapin mo ko!" Yeah, after that, he cut the conversation.

JERK, he is. Up to this moment, we see each other everyday in the band practice but it's as if we don't see each other. In fact, I really wanna understand him because I still want our friendship but I think he's gone over the wall. The only thing that keeps me from talking to him was my pride because he doesn't give a damn care with what's happening. Maybe, yes - I expected too much from him because he was very nice at first. It was my fault. I trusted him too much and now here am I, hurting.

At this very moment, I am typing everything I feel and I don't even check my grammar. (lol) Free writing, yes. I really wanna explode because of disgust, disappointment, pain and all. Damn, I don't know if I wanna be in touched with another guy again because it really feels bad whenever someone breaks my heart.

Maybe this is the end for us; friendship, bondings and happiness. Maybe I need to start moving on and forget everything about us. I lost again but I'm glad I've learned.

Before I rated you 8.. Now, it's 5.. You're on your way DOWN.

2011-01-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

Why do familiarity leads to lack of respect?

I met this man 6 months ago.. I find him weird and cool at the same time. He's a humble guy. He's very good when it comes to music but he don't boast around. I like his gentle personality when it comes to women.
Several weeks have passed and we started chatting. He's full of sense of humor and I do really enjoy talking about sensible as well as nonsense things under the sun..

They said he like me. He was very kind and thoughtful to me. At first, I thought, it was natural in his part to be like that. However, he later confessed his feelings for me. I knew I like him also. Well, yeah. Maybe I did.
He was not formally courting me but we're on the stage of getting-to-know-you-better.

As time goes by, we had lunch, we've watched movies; we had simple dates to make things simple. He then knew that I was a silly person who loves to laugh and pig out.

Until now, we still chat or text almost everyday. And I somehow regret the fact that I made him notice that I kinda like him too. Our closeness were too much now in a sense that he jokes around offensive things with me or let's just say DISRESPECTFUL jokes.

Say I'm over reacting now but I'm just not use with men who can say "sapakin kita jan eh" to women even if they were just kidding.

TURNED OFF? Was that the right word? Ugh, I dunno. Maybe I'm just disappointed. Yeah. Disappointed with his childishness.

Imperfect voice in a popular rock song = DISAPPOINTMENT

2011-01-17T00:10:00.002+08:00

I sucked. I've been practicing the song "Decode" of Paramore the whole weekend and I just can't hit the high notes.

Damn! I called our band instructor this afternoon and asked if the song I'm going to sing at the concert can be replaced because it won't fit my voice.. Fortunately, he said yes.

Yeah, it was a frivolous reason. I just can't say how much I wanna scream in my self disgust. At this very moment, I wanna cut my vocal chords and just stop singing; but obviously, I can't.

Another beautiful song I lost because of my repulsive voice construction. Ugh. I'm Dishearten.

Talent failure.

2011-01-16T23:41:00.001+08:00

Singing really is a talent. I know I have it but I don't have the extraordinary voice.

Yeah, I may be in the right tune at the right timing, yet I don't have the vocal power to be called a singer. Sometimes I wonder why I was given the love for music but whenever I try to impress people with my craft, I just can't. It was my best yet I never did achieve their expectations with me.

Practice makes perfect. They say that most of the time.
Well, I practice everyday. I sing, I vocalize, I memorize, but the voice was still the same. My vocal coach once said "Nasa tono ka pero hindi buo yung boses mo." So, okay. This is my voice and what do you want me to do? I can't be Charice Pempengco or Beyonce in just a slap. :|

What really frustrates me was the fact that I can't sing every song I want. Either I can't reach the high notes or it just doesn't fit me. I don't wanna stuck with those acoustic songs of course, but I don't know how to grow up and perform along with famous people. I want to experiment. I wanna try how does it feel to be a rock star, a powerful belter or be simply versatile.

They say "People with gift like yours were lucky." Yeah, you said it right. Not everyone was given this kind of talent but when you're around with REAL musicians and those people with the best voices in town, you would see yourself as an outcast. I can say this because this is what I am feeling NOW. :| They excel, I don't. They receive invitations for gigs and guestings, I didn't.

I wanna think of positive things.. I wanna believe that I would be a star on my own way.. But every time I hear my ordinary voice, I suddely felt like giving up. How I wish I only had one talent and I am the best in that field.. If only talent can be bought.. but it just can't.

Is this downfall?

2011-01-14T00:05:00.000+08:00

I hate this feeling.
I'm kinda tired, weary and frustrated at the same time.

I felt like bursting into tears because I was a freak. I've been a total loser for the past 7 months. I don't know when would I see myself excel again in my chosen field or on a relevant task.
Hell, bragging aside, I am not used of being on the average. I've always wanted to be the best and now I'm far from that. :|

Oh, yeah. I just curse the feeling of being left behind.

Misjudged.

2011-01-11T20:57:00.002+08:00

Boo judgemental, close-minded people! >:))

I know right. It has always been me who you said was the black sheep in the family. Maybe you didn't spit those words, but I'm not a numb. I am very much aware how you people talk about how I wear my clothes, how I speak, I hangout, I treat my friends and how I live life.

Let's just say I'm enjoying life to the fullest but I know my limitations. Call me a hypocrite but it's true. My mom oriented me and my sister what is right from wrong.
You call me ~~maarte~~, ~~suplada~~ and even the problem child.
So, okay, fine. Ask my mom who am I. She, herself, never did judge me the way you did, people.

Now look where are you? What you said just bounced back.
A smoking daughter, an early mom and dad from your family.
I don't wanna say this; but guys, You ATE what you condemn me to be.
I thought I was the one who'll be out of good sight yet some of you did.
Or maybe you kept on noticing me to just hide you're impurities plus insecurities.

I need no apologies. I don't ask for praises. All I want is for you to realize that I don't react because I want you to trust me. In a family, that is essential.
Let's stop these senseless talking, because I'm more than a freak bad girl that I used to be on your blinded eyes.

a 2 in 1 friend. :)

2011-01-09T22:58:00.004+08:00

In the history of my unsteadfast social life, I wonder sometimes why I've never had a real man buddy.
It has always been a girl, a sissy or someone PARTLY a man.
However, I like them and with those people, I'm comfortable.
Senseless, yet a fact.

Well, I'm glad I found a new movie-pal, roam-bud and a duet partner in *G's character; my always-ready-to-go chum.
In fact, he's got a nice face. I had a crush on him before when we first met in a certain band.
Heartbroken, as I get to know him better, he sounded something familiar. (lol)
Oh yes, you thought it right, he's like what we call ~~tagilid~~, oh! no.. malambot was the right word. Yes, that, he is.
I know people around us notice that too but what I admire about him was he doesn't care at all.
He won't bother fighting among people saying he's a ~~gay~~ right on his face. Whenever asked, he would simply say NO and he'll continue living.

Probably he moves, speaks and acts like a pampered girl but people don't know how much a gentleman he is. He's a good person indeed even if he has his crazy moments.
Actually, people see him as a laughing stuff whenever he spills out his wrong English grammar, but at least, he's trying, I thought. (lol)

I'm glad I met him. He understands me and me as well with him. We have a lot of common interests and honestly, I see the future of him as my best friend. :) This has no relation with romantic stuff. Trust me, it's pure friendship.
Maybe I get along with malambot men because most of them don't think of what others mostly say. Like him, they just do what they want as long as they don't harm others.

I see myself in them. Until now, my relatives see me as the black sheep in the family and I know that. Nevertheless, I don't concern explaining my side to them because I believe, if they love me, trust is an assurance.

Certainly, I know I don't need REAL or those bato bato kind of men to experience the feeling of a girl-boy friendship. With the guy friends I have, I am contented. They both have the mind of talkative women and the heart of muscular men which spices up more our companionship. :)

Cut the crap!

2011-01-09T00:26:00.002+08:00

Oh yeah, maybe I'm not as good as you are. But, hello? I have the heart.

Most of the time I feel outcast. I said I'm successfully stable now.
I thought I am, yet I'm still not.

YES, I wanna think of the thought that I'm welcome and they acknowledge me for who I am; still they don't.
For them, perfection is a requirement even if they, themselves, were not even close.
Or maybe they kept on spitting on me how diminutive, small and noob am I compared to them so I'll be dishearten.

The title is yours. Never did I want to outgrow you. I dream for more than your stage.
I will be NOTABLE because this is me not because I've overtaken you.

Stop bragging. I'm pissed. I don't hell care if you were better.
Silly, you don't even exist in HUGE significant people's life; I'll bet on that.

There's this word HUMILITY for us not to disregard the fact that we're still people and spiritually, we're free from bias. We differ with characteristics. Probably you're superior than me in that case but as long as we still stand on the common landscape constructed by the King of kings, kindly back off.

Keep distance, CRAP.

God rescued me..

2011-01-06T21:53:00.001+08:00

God is so good..

I can't call myself lucky today; but BLESSED..
Yes, we're all showered with God's graces but I felt beyond loved by the Lord. There is something unexplainable that I am feeling this very moment.
How was I able to say these things?

Early this morning, I prayed not to be late in school. Well I came 30 minutes before it's time;
I know I don't recite much in my REED subject because I was intimidated with the professor but then I got 3.0 in my Prelim grade; I lost my book in Bio last month and I wasn't able to review for my prelim exam with the subject but I saw the exam results and I was beyond the passing grade; I didn't review with my English exam because I was really tired last month and I was adjusting with my schedule, but I was one of the 5 students who passed the exam.

Yes, God is not just good but the BEST. I don't know how many times I've mentioned that line this day but he truly is.
This was actually the first time I didn't review because of being so tired and wasted. Crap, that's me on the prelim period of 2nd sem. Yet, I kept on praying to God to help me gain the energy to strive more. A lot of disappointments and failures came my way but still, God was there. I cry to him at night, I pray and I ask for guidance. This may sound corny, yet true.

In fact, since this year started, I've observed that it's as if I gained all the optimism in the world. Insecurity kills me before and I know trust in myself is what I don't have. That was me, several days ago. As of the moment, I don't know if there's a new person inside me but I know my name is still PATRICIA.
This is a new me and I know it is good. I know now how to appreciate the world better. Live my life to the fullest is one of my plans now. Maybe I was fooled by what can fame, material things and power can do before. However, I'm glad that I've learned. There is more to life than being idolized by others and there are more things that can make me happier; my heart gay.

A new year and a new belief.. Believing that I can still be the best that I can be and enjoy the goodness of what the world can offer me.
I know God is the center of my life now. I've never felt this before but God made me a better being.
Less selfish, optimistic, inspired, confident and responsible, that's PATRICIA APRIL.
Probably you may say I'm talking weird and absurd, but No. Even myself, I don't know why I feel certain things like these this past few days but it made me as a whole.

I know in this moment, God is here with me. I'm glad at 16, I can say that "My Faith is stable."

My DATE was freakin' awesome!

2011-01-04T12:41:00.001+08:00

I freakin' enjoyed my day with my so-called date, Jabes.
Everything wasn't planned and I'm glad I called her up early morning last January 2. I missed our pig out days. When I asked her if she's free, she said YES.. poof! That very moment we planned to go to Alabang Town Center (because she has never been there) and so we went..

First thing we did was we searched for a restaurant and eat. We're sort of on a silly diet so we chose to eat on 'The Pancake House' .. We effin' look like first-timers but we don't hell'a care.. :)) Actually, the first time thing there was it was our first time being together beyond Cavite's landmarks. So we took a lot of picture and here are some of our exciting shots:

When done eating, we roamed around, shop by shop and searched for things to buy. Because we really enjoyed, we won't realize that it's already dark if we didn't went to the other side of the mall.. We literally panicked that it's around 7pm and yet we haven't bought anything. So, what we did was we went to a specific store, we fitted clothes and we bought them. That was fast actually. I used to spend 2 hours in choosing dress, clothes or whatsoever before buying but I find this shopping fun. Hell, yeah. The cramming added the spice on us :)

Before going back to Dasma, we ate on a 98% fat-free yogurt store, White Hat. We're so candid that the teller looks at us while taking picture. :)) That was fun even if we're on a bit rush.. Haha. Obviously, we were so happy.. Sorry, I can't help sharing the pictures because it's been s cool. I never had this buddy where in I can accompany anywhere.. :))

Jabes and I wanted more so when we were on our way home, again, we planned to go to malling and continue the fun the next day..

January 3:
Upon seeing each other in SM Dasma, we went on search for stuff that we would be alike.. :)
Then, we ate our 'merienda' and roamed around.. :))

When done malling, I told Jabes that I wanna experience either a spa or foot spa.. So we went to nail-a-holics and we had foot spa and pedicure.. haha! :)) Funny, but I love it! :) I really like girly stuff and how I wish everyday is pampering day..

Obviously, I gained happiness. All the money we've spent were worth spending and I want mooooore! :)
I swear that I'll reach far and I'll do more hangouts with this woman.

PS. we call each other DATE because from 1st sem up to this moment, we've already had around 5 or 6 dates. We don't have what people call love lives, so whenever we were available, we accompany each other.. :)

The BASIX was reunited. :D

2011-01-02T23:33:00.001+08:00

Woah! December 30, 2010 was a blast and it was epic! <3I was reunited with my old singing group named BASIX.. :)Dang! I missed them and I'm glad we met again.. :)) Thanks to Lea's invitation for her debut.. :)We were called the BASIX because we had this minor concert way back 2005 @ SM Bacoor and it was entitled the BASIX because it's the six of us who reached that certain level who were still bonded and as close as sisters.. :)So, yes.. After 4 long years of not seeing each other because of being busy in school and our houses were miles apart (lol), we met again and we exploded! :))))Upon arriving at the venue, I saw them and my heart literally leaped! haha. A lot of things changed. Someone got taller, someone gained weight and someone really never changed. haha. :))Taking pictures with them was so much fun! :) In fact, our former coach in Center for Pop was also there. Her name is Coach Jell and it's as if we really set the date for the reunion.. haha! I realized that the feeling with them 4 years ago and now was mutual.. :) I feel family with them and I know I belong.. :)Another thing, we sang in front of people altogether once again.. Suddenly, I remembered all the shows, the practices, the sleepovers, the bonding moments, all the chattings and every moments that we've spent together.. I missed those happenings and I want those moments to be repeated. :) On the sad part, one of us didn't came to the debut so we didn't saw her. We really miss Nisha and we hope to be completed on January 15, Karen's debut.At the moment, I was really excited for the 15th! :) Hopefully, we will be complete and we will sing more songs.. :) How I wish to do mall shows and productions with them.. :)I just really love my sister-like friends, the BASIX. <3

I am optimistic and positive; but I also have those saddest moments.. :|

2010-12-20T10:09:00.000+08:00

I know envy is a sin.. but I know I don't envy anyone whenever I cry because of what they have achieved.. I just pity myself for still being nothing and for losing while the people around me are already on their way top..
Yes, I fail most of the time, but I learned that I should still work on it to achieve my dreams even if things always come out like this..

Yesterday, December 19, 2010, I auditioned for Pilipinas Got Talent season 2..
Well, the process was cool and organized.. I was with my friend in our band..
At first, I felt like a celebrity(no kidding aside). There are lots of cameras roaming and we were treated well. Actually, I saw a lot of famous people in the building and I know I was really starstruck. :))
When it was my time to perform, the staff assisted my group on the way to Studio 2 for us to show our talents there. There are 2 people judging and of course, a camera was with them.
I really felt tensed and excited at the same time knowing that I was the 2nd to perform. However, when I was already standing there on stage, I shivered. I suddenly felt like palpitating, pressured, nervous and intimidated. I dunno why, but I know I haven't performed that well. I can say that my practice was better than the performance itself. I was disappointed with myself indeed. Nevertheless, there's still the interview portion after the performance and we're going to sing there again. So, I told myself: "babawi ako".
So when we went back on the holding area, I waited for my friend and asked what happened with her performance. Actually, she has always been good in performing and I doubt if she was as tensed as me. So I asked her to accompany me in the restroom because I want to rehearse my piece. I sang 'Through the fire' and she suggested for me to sing that on the interview.
Interview potion: at first, I feel calmed and all. Then the singing part came, I sang through the fire and I know my performance was better. However, I am obviously tensed they say. But then, it's okay.
When it was my friend's time to be interviewed, I watched her. She's so calm, cool and I know the staff liked her. They even request for more songs from her. After the interview, the writer told her: "I-shoot ka na namin". Once they say that, that means they like you and they're going to make you a storyline because you're already in. Whoa! That moment, I felt so little. I was actually teary-eyed and how I wish I was her that moment. She's one step up and I also dream for that. I dunno if I just don't really have the guts to be a star because I always fail in every audition I join.
I am happy for my friend but I blame myself for being such a mess. I wish I was as confident as her and as charismatic with people.
I dunno how to work on my performing fears but I know I want to be on the big stage and be famous also. My mom told me I'm the one who can heal this tension sickness but I just don't know how.

I am a dreamer and I want to achieve my dreams. I wanna be someone confident, focused and dedicated. Maybe that's what I don't have: The faith that I can do it. Maybe I lack for self esteem and all; but I know I can fix things up on my way.
I will be a star someday. Maybe it's not yet my time.. Maybe God had in store something bigger for me. I should never lose hope..

Someone special..

2010-11-20T19:02:00.000+08:00

When I joined the group
I know it would be fun
When I get to know the band
I became a big fan
Then later I met you
I know something has changed
That's when our fairy tale started
My wish has been granted

People may notice I look okay
Others may say sad April turned to happy May
Living life with you is one thing I would never regret
Even if its just 4 months since You & I met
Now can I thank you for giving me a good start
Good things came, when you entered my heart

As I face my sleepless nights
I think of you
As a shadow walk from my behind
I long to be with you
Every time we're apart, my man
You just don't know how much I miss you..

I need to stop..

2010-11-19T22:25:00.000+08:00

With you, its as if I'm home
Comfortability between us always comes along
It naturally shows
It obviously flows
You and me together
I hope for ever after

You smiled, I laughed
With just a sweet glance, I'm already trapped
Oh, how I hate this
Hoping for more special things
`coz I know if I tolerate this
I'll end up broken-hearted

But everytime I see you coming
My heart starts pounding
Knowing you're around makes life worth living
Still I want it no more
I know this can't be sure
So is it good bye or let's just go on?

I know there's something
Each moment were together I felt like dreaming
But I need to stop this feeling
I wanna start forgetting
I need to stay away for me not to be hurt
`coz boy, I've fallen
And I don't wanna see you leaving

Nung nahulog ako sa'yo.. :p

2010-11-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

Ikaw yung lalaking hindi ko tipo
Pasaway, magulo at wirdo
Kaso ikaw eh, binihag mo ko
Nadaan ako sa mga eowsz phouz mo

Nahihiya ka pa nung una
Sus, napaamin din naman kita
Gusto mo naman pala `ko eh
Bat ba tinatago mo pa?

Torpe ka daw sabi ng marami
Pero alam ko, takot ka lang magsabi
Ilang beses ka na kasing nasaktan
Kwento mo base sayong nakaraan

Pag kasama ka, ayoko ng magbukas
Pag magka-text tayo, sana wala na lang oras
Kung sa chat, sana wala ng tulugan
Pero pwede kaya yon? I know hindi naman

Sana hindi na lang matapos `to
Kahit alam kong friends lang tayo
Inspiration lang solve na ko
Basta wag kang magbabago

Favor naman, please wag mo kong iiwan
Nasanay na kasi akong lagi kang andyan
Wala namang break up sa friendship diba?
Sayo lang kasi ako ganto sumaya

I've moved on.. :)

2010-11-06T19:05:00.000+08:00

So, finally! :p After 6 months from my heartbreak, I can say that I'm completely healed and stable now..
Thanks to all those people who entered the new chapter of my life..

1st semester of my 1st year in college is over and here comes 2nd sem.. :)
I've experienced a lot these past few months.. Experiences that I can say are worth remembering.. :)
I realized a lot of things, I learned how to deal with and how to cope up with total strangers, I had survived sleepless nights, I understand what is the essence of independence and most of all I learned to appreciate myself more. :)

It's been 6 months but its as if its been a year..
I'm loving my new world, environment, friends, subjects, my new hobby and my new duties.. :)

I want more.. I need more and I hope for more happiness to gain this coming sem..
I know I'll be busy, but I would take all the things to do with open arms..

At least, even if someone left me hanging, a lot of things came.. and i guess.. the pain is worth it all. :)

being 16..

2010-05-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

Well, I celebrated my birthday last april 26 (monday)..
I prepared some of the food 'coz my mom is kinda busy..
my friends are there 2 celebrate w/ me.. :)
it was really fun..

Then I realized.. I am maturing.. how can I say that?
haha.. Although I study well, I used 2 be the less responsible & happy go lucky in the family..
Well, these past few days,
I often argue w/ my younger sister..
My mom praises me more..
I am gaining the so-called "initiative" that I've never had..

Now I know what are the right things to do..
I'm glad I am growing spiritually & emotionally..

Growing up will really earn you more responsibilities..
and I think, I'm ready to take them all in a responsible manner.

Cool, isn't it?.. :)

tskk. :(

2010-04-12T09:01:00.000+08:00

aww. tsk.. It really feels bad pag np2hya ka..
sometimes, you want 2 give up & n0t continue the fight..
But with every prayer, God makes u stronger..
xa lan tlga ung msa2ndalan ntn all d' tym..
thank you Lord!

my blogspot! :)

2010-04-05T02:10:00.000+08:00

woah!. my 1st post here on blogspot..

april 5, 2010 -- 2:17am

welcome to myself! haha. =p

so far, i'm super enjoying this..

so please, follow my page and feel free to read my future blogs! :)

i am sure very ready to share w/ you my happiest & saddest moments in the future..

i will be very happy if you guys will ride with me in my journey here.. :)

thanks & God bless..

again, welcome to myself to blogspot! haha..